Dear Best Friend,
Hi. Remember me? I’m the one who used to go out with you on Thursday nights, we would drink a bottle of wine after work, talk, giggle and stumble home to our husbands afterwards. I’m the one who used to call you when I was outside your house, telling you I’m five minutes away only to play a practical joke. I know you were usually less than amused, but you humored me by playing along and pretending to laugh. I’m the one who asked you if my butt looked big in clothes that fit you and were clearly too small on me, and you’d always tell me the truth. (Let’s be real for a minute: I’d kill for that body again!). I’m that person who usually dislikes the same people and things you do, and the person who dances that same weird way you do without a care in the world. I know lately I’ve been hiding, but I promise your best friend is still here.
Lately my life has been sort of crazy. Of course you know this because you’re my best friend, and you know everything about me, but maybe you need a public reminder of how much I love and miss you, so here it goes …
Ever since I had my baby, something has been off, with me. I’ve been trying to sort it out but something hasn’t been clicking. Parenting is hard work. Remember when we found out I was pregnant and you already knew before I even took the test? I vaguely remember much about when I told you I was pregnant, but I do remember the naïve excitement, nervousness and fear that was just spilling from me as I looked at you. I never got to tell you just how much it meant that you were there to experience that moment when my world changed forever. You stood there looking at me knowing I would be and reassuring me withy your kind eyes that I would be okay.
To be honest… I haven’t had the chance to tell you a lot lately, because it’s been a very odd year since my baby was born. I went from not sleeping, not working, back to working, selling my house, gaining 60 pounds, losing 60 pounds, managing an onslaught of new hormonal changes, and trying to keep up in the process. Parenting and having a newborn can’t quite be summed up into words.
I never got the chance to tell you how much I appreciated the carefulness and love in your eyes when you held my son for the first time. I’ll never forget asking you to be his godmother, and I”ll certainly never forget you coming over and mothering me in ways I needed on the really hard days. You’ve never stopped calling, even when I have. You’ve never stopped texting, even when all I do is talk about myself. And you’ve only blocked me once (does deactivated count?) from Facebook for posting too many photos of my kid. You’ve never pretended to have the answers to my problems, but you’ve always been the answer just by standing by my side.
I’m sorry best friend. I’ve lost myself this year; between deadlines, bottles, sleep deprivation, and teething. I’m somewhere in there. You’ve tolerated my erratic changes between hormones, postpartum, and have continued to shower me with help and support, even when I was at my worst. You’ve shown me the most beautiful humanity I’ve ever seen, and are the woman I hope to be someday.
I miss you, best friend. I miss those nights at the nice restaurants. I miss digging through bins at Last Chance. I miss laying around with your dog and doing nothing. I miss who I was then. But you have shown me that I’m not lost. You’ve helped me see that I am able to be present in the moment … behind the messy bun, and the puked on shirt, and the pants that don’t fit. You know the former me still exists. You helped me realize that I am still me.
I love you more than you’ll ever know, and in ways I can’t ever express. Someday and somehow I will show you and will speak this out loud, but for now, this is the only way I could find to share.
Love forever your best friend, other half, still me,