It’s been exactly two years and two months since my husband and I started trying to get pregnant with baby number two. Many people said it would happen quickly because “your body just knows what to do” or that because we’re so busy with our daughter it would take our minds off of trying, and it would “just happen.” Well, more than two years later… still no baby. I’ve seen friends have one or two babies in the time we’ve been trying, and while I am extremely happy for them, the frustration builds. The hardest part is knowing that I can get pregnant. I know all the signs to look for; I know all the ways to check for ovulation, and everyone has their own advice to give. My body is a science experiment and it’s exhausting. I have so much joy in my life with my daughter and I know she would be an amazing older sibling, but when do you decide to stop trying?
A few months ago we met with a fertility specialist. Going into that appointment I had already been diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). With PCOS, my cycles are all over the place and though I have cycles I may not always ovulate. It took us about a year to get pregnant with our daughter. As we were waiting on our fertility results, we finally saw the “+”. This time around, testing says that my husband and I look great. But again, when you’re not sure when or if you ovulate really puts a kink in things. The good news is that there are procedures and medications that can help us get pregnant. At a certain point though, you have to step back and think:
1) How much will this cost?
2) As someone who is extremely sensitive to hormonal medicines, will I be able to handle it?
3) If nothing works, when do we say enough is enough?
Over the last few weeks, my daughter has started openly telling people she’s going to be a big sister. Part of me loves this, and part of me wants to fall apart and cry. When people ask if she just spilled the beans and I’m actually expecting, we simply smile, explain that she jumped the gun, and while we’ve been trying for some time, baby number two is not here yet. All of this is usually met with all of the suggestions of everything I should be doing/trying (and trust me…I’ve been doing EVERYTHING). I smile and thank them, because I’m not a monster, but what I really want to do is run home and bury my face in my pillow. I know they mean well, but how much longer can I take these questions and awkward conversations?
My daughter is the light of my life, and in so many ways, she’s given us a wonderful fresh life to live. So, would I be okay if she was our only child? Absolutely! I’ve just always felt that I would be a mom of two. My husband and I are both close to our siblings, and we would love for our daughter to experience that. And who knows, maybe the second one will be through adoption. I know there’s more than one way to have children, but the struggle that more and more women are having to get pregnant is real.
My hopes for people who read this is simple: getting pregnant is not “easy” for everyone. If you know someone who is having a hard time, don’t feel like you have to throw methods and advice at them. In my times of frustration, it’s been nice to have my close friends check in and see how I’m doing. Just that alone has been a nice reminder that I have their support and they are there for me. They know if I have questions I will ask. For all my fellow mamas out there trying for baby number one, two, or three: you are not alone. We all have our own unique journeys and I truly do believe life doesn’t throw at us what we can’t handle.