After being smacked in the face by my almost 2 year old when calmly asking him to not play with the trash in the garbage can, I thought to myself, “I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid of anyone than I am of my own toddler.” I played college soccer on a scholarship. I nursed my son for 14 months without supplementing. I have run a half marathon. I got married, finished my final year of college soccer, finished student teaching, graduated college, had my son, AND started my first year of teaching in one year. I know I’m capable of doing hard things, but why in the world is raising a toddler so much harder than anything I’ve ever done? It’s so hard in fact, it actually scares me.
With my son turning two this month, we have hit a wall of brand new obstacles and it simply…sucks. I have no other words. It. SUCKS. Public fit throwing, teaching him not to hit or kick when he gets upset, trying to figure out what made him randomly throw himself onto the floor and start screaming, potty training, the onset of picky eating, and so much more. It has been truly exhausting.
I love my son more than anything. I would do anything for him and he is my entire world, but I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I’m screwing him up. Don’t get me wrong. I know being a mom is hard. I know that these days will pass and that one day I will miss this age. I’ll miss my son wanting to cuddle for at least 10 minutes every morning. I’ll miss his look of pride and excitement when he gets to the potty on time. I just hope some day I won’t be worried I’m screwing up every second of each day that passes.
My mom would tell me when I was younger that she never would stop worrying about me. I understand this so much more now than I ever have. With every tantrum, I worry if my son will do this quite literally forever. While I know that’s more than likely not going to happen, what if it does? Every time he kicks someone because he’s upset, I worry that I’ll be the parent who’s constantly having to meet with the principal because my kid didn’t use his words…again.
My son is smart. He’s a HUGE hugger and absolutely loves to cuddle. He gently grabs my face and looks at me just to look at me. My son’s laugh is greater than anything I’ve ever heard. He thinks he is hilarious, even though no one knows what he’s saying. Despite all of these incredible qualities, why am I so afraid that he will turn into the complete opposite of the person I’m hoping he will be?
Every time something goes unexpected, no matter how big or small, I feel instant defeated by a 2 year old. It’s time I focus on his successes. He’s learning how to be a kid while I’m learning how to be a mom. Every.Single.Day. As scary as it is, I know I’m doing my best. I’ve done hard things and even though this is by far the hardest; I won’t let a little bit of fear knock and keep me down. My son is worth more than that and I’m going to push harder than ever before to prove that to him.
Have you ever experienced feeling defeated by your own children? What are some of your biggest fears as a mom? Share your experiences with us in the comments below.